It doesn't feel real, that's the thing. I'm very pregnant. Strangers can see this baby move from across isles in stores- and they usually exclaim in surprise at the sight of it- but, the reality of motherhood and this being an in-the-flesh little human is altogether distant. It does not feel real.
And so, you worry. I worry. Will the baby be ok? Will I be ok? Will we make it through labor intact and be ready for life to begin on the other side of delivery? Will it feel real once its out and we see its face and give it a name?
As the due date approached I felt excited, bubbly, ready. I felt anxious and nervous too, but something like 80% of women have their babies in the two weeks leading up to their due date. I was bound to have this baby at any moment. And then it would be a real-life baby. And it would be ours. And we would have made it through all the preparation and study and labor practice to our actual story.
I want to know what our story is going to be.
But here we are, past our due date, still waiting impatiently for this dream to come true. The difficulty of the last two weeks is that the excitement and bubbles have faded into, when I'm most honest, anxiety and worry and- it feels so terrible to say- disappointment. I want this baby! I want to meet this baby! But here I am, another day pregnant, sad to have to keep w a i t i n g, feeling like we're losing time together.
It is hard to sustain your excitement for a surprise party that has been on the brink of beginning for weeks. At some point you start thinking the party just isn't going to happen.
I know I won't be pregnant forever, but I am emotionally shot from all the anticipation and every night I lay down to sleep and think about how another day has passed that will not be our baby's birthday.
People are well-meaning. They say things like "any day now!" or "and you were so sure you were going to go early!" or "its so exciting!" But with each comment I can selfishly feel a little more secluded in my own emotional weariness- because there is no way to communicate that yes, its exciting, but it is also absolutely terrifying and yes, I was sure I would go early and thank you for reminding me (as if I'd forgotten in the last 336 hours of steady WAITING) that I was wrong. And everyone asks "how are you feeling?" and I think- Overwhelmed! Incredibly uncomfortable! Anxious! Tired!- but I say, "Still pregnant!" and I smile because really who wants to hear about the pregnant lady's irrational fears and lower back pain? No one, that's who.
Except mom. Mom will always want to hear about irrational fears and back pain and she will not judge you for admitting to either. Neither will husband or sister. Thank God for all three.
And thank God for baby who will come when it darn well pleases- or will be coaxed out with induction, let's be honest- and who will have parents taught a little more deeply the lesson that we are altogether not in control and need to be grateful for whatever every day entails.
And so, you worry. I worry. Will the baby be ok? Will I be ok? Will we make it through labor intact and be ready for life to begin on the other side of delivery? Will it feel real once its out and we see its face and give it a name?
As the due date approached I felt excited, bubbly, ready. I felt anxious and nervous too, but something like 80% of women have their babies in the two weeks leading up to their due date. I was bound to have this baby at any moment. And then it would be a real-life baby. And it would be ours. And we would have made it through all the preparation and study and labor practice to our actual story.
I want to know what our story is going to be.
But here we are, past our due date, still waiting impatiently for this dream to come true. The difficulty of the last two weeks is that the excitement and bubbles have faded into, when I'm most honest, anxiety and worry and- it feels so terrible to say- disappointment. I want this baby! I want to meet this baby! But here I am, another day pregnant, sad to have to keep w a i t i n g, feeling like we're losing time together.
It is hard to sustain your excitement for a surprise party that has been on the brink of beginning for weeks. At some point you start thinking the party just isn't going to happen.
I know I won't be pregnant forever, but I am emotionally shot from all the anticipation and every night I lay down to sleep and think about how another day has passed that will not be our baby's birthday.
People are well-meaning. They say things like "any day now!" or "and you were so sure you were going to go early!" or "its so exciting!" But with each comment I can selfishly feel a little more secluded in my own emotional weariness- because there is no way to communicate that yes, its exciting, but it is also absolutely terrifying and yes, I was sure I would go early and thank you for reminding me (as if I'd forgotten in the last 336 hours of steady WAITING) that I was wrong. And everyone asks "how are you feeling?" and I think- Overwhelmed! Incredibly uncomfortable! Anxious! Tired!- but I say, "Still pregnant!" and I smile because really who wants to hear about the pregnant lady's irrational fears and lower back pain? No one, that's who.
Except mom. Mom will always want to hear about irrational fears and back pain and she will not judge you for admitting to either. Neither will husband or sister. Thank God for all three.
And thank God for baby who will come when it darn well pleases- or will be coaxed out with induction, let's be honest- and who will have parents taught a little more deeply the lesson that we are altogether not in control and need to be grateful for whatever every day entails.
I hear you! The last weeks are so stressful. You can do it, mama!
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