[im]patience

It doesn't feel real, that's the thing. I'm very pregnant. Strangers can see this baby move from across isles in stores- and they usually exclaim in surprise at the sight of it- but, the reality of motherhood and this being an in-the-flesh little human is altogether distant. It does not feel real.

And so, you worry. I worry. Will the baby be ok? Will I be ok? Will we make it through labor intact and be ready for life to begin on the other side of delivery? Will it feel real once its out and we see its face and give it a name?

As the due date approached I felt excited, bubbly, ready. I felt anxious and nervous too, but something like 80% of women have their babies in the two weeks leading up to their due date. I was bound to have this baby at any moment. And then it would be a real-life baby. And it would be ours. And we would have made it through all the preparation and study and labor practice to our actual story.

I want to know what our story is going to be.

But here we are, past our due date, still waiting impatiently for this dream to come true. The difficulty of the last two weeks is that the excitement and bubbles have faded into, when I'm most honest, anxiety and worry and- it feels so terrible to say- disappointment. I want this baby! I want to meet this baby! But here I am, another day pregnant, sad to have to keep w a i t i n g, feeling like we're losing time together.

It is hard to sustain your excitement for a surprise party that has been on the brink of beginning for weeks. At some point you start thinking the party just isn't going to happen.

I know I won't be pregnant forever, but I am emotionally shot from all the anticipation and every night I lay down to sleep and think about how another day has passed that will not be our baby's birthday.

People are well-meaning. They say things like "any day now!" or "and you were so sure you were going to go early!" or "its so exciting!" But with each comment I can selfishly feel a little more secluded in my own emotional weariness- because there is no way to communicate that yes, its exciting, but it is also absolutely terrifying and yes, I was sure I would go early and thank you for reminding me (as if I'd forgotten in the last 336 hours of steady WAITING) that I was wrong. And everyone asks "how are you feeling?" and I think- Overwhelmed! Incredibly uncomfortable! Anxious! Tired!- but I say, "Still pregnant!" and I smile because really who wants to hear about the pregnant lady's irrational fears and lower back pain? No one, that's who.

Except mom. Mom will always want to hear about irrational fears and back pain and she will not judge you for admitting to either. Neither will husband or sister. Thank God for all three.

And thank God for baby who will come when it darn well pleases- or will be coaxed out with induction, let's be honest- and who will have parents taught a little more deeply the lesson that we are altogether not in control and need to be grateful for whatever every day entails. 

I AM ANXIOUS.

Its been a tough week. My gosh, it has been a tough week. I've been all over the place emotionally- excited about leaving my job, sad, anxious about the change, outright possessive of what I've created, terrified of the new position ("I'M GOING TO SCREW IT UP. IT'S NOT AN OPPORTUNITY, IT IS A TERRIBLE IDEA. WHAT AM I THINKING?"), and back to calm and excited again. There's been crying, ugly crying, and there has been some crying on the side of my students' parents too. I can't think about that- then I get all possessive of my work again, and my brain starts screaming those "WHAT ARE WE DOING!?" things.

I could've written a daily sarcastic post depicting my anxiety this week, with images of the bags under my eyes and the sad state of my hair (I have terrible dandruff when I'm stressed. Is this weird and abnormal? I don't know, but its my reality, folks.) I didn't. I restrained myself. I claimed to coworkers that I just don't like Halloween and that's all, I'm fine.

But, alas, the anxiety didn't shirk away, content with my snub. It laid claim until I fessed up- I need to claim it to be able to reign it in. So, here is my list, incomplete I'm sure, of things I'm anxious about:

1. It's an hour commute. This is the first thing every person who has "congratulated" me has brought up, and nearly every person has made it sound as if by the end of the first week I will be eating my own hands because the commute is going to be that downright tortuous. BUT: I knew it was going to be an hour commute when I took the job I saw the job posting and applied. Also, I've already purchased some audio books and I'm excited to have more time to talk with my mom on the phone. So there. Take that.

2. I'm starting over. Blast, this is hard. These days it is easy for me to forget how different my job was when I didn't know the communities in which I work, and when I didn't have the core of families who believe in this programming (and believe in me). There's no "so there" for this one...I just need to accept and embrace that a new opportunity means all the new, hard, building relationships stuff too. Dang. I am terrified. What if I don't find relationships like the ones I found here? What if families don't rally and support as they have in the past 4 years? I can't answer these questions yet- I just need to be present and faithful. Man, that's hard.

3. Well, actually, I think that's it. Its those 2 big things...and only one of them is something I'm really anxious about. Its that starting over thing- that leaving-people-I-love thing. That does deserve two numbers on my list, so I'm keeping this #3. I'm so sad to leave these relationships, and I am terrified about venturing out fresh again. What if it was all a fluke? ("Shut up Gollum in my head. Shut up!")

That's where I'm at (and why it's been quiet around here this week). My Gollum isn't pretty and insightful and put-together; just vulnerable and a little crazy.  But Monday, whether I'm ready and composed or not, is the first day of my new job. I think I need to go shopping with my mom this weekend.