I AM ANXIOUS.
Its been a tough week. My gosh, it has been a tough week. I've been all over the place emotionally- excited about leaving my job, sad, anxious about the change, outright possessive of what I've created, terrified of the new position ("I'M GOING TO SCREW IT UP. IT'S NOT AN OPPORTUNITY, IT IS A TERRIBLE IDEA. WHAT AM I THINKING?"), and back to calm and excited again. There's been crying, ugly crying, and there has been some crying on the side of my students' parents too. I can't think about that- then I get all possessive of my work again, and my brain starts screaming those "WHAT ARE WE DOING!?" things.
I could've written a daily sarcastic post depicting my anxiety this week, with images of the bags under my eyes and the sad state of my hair (I have terrible dandruff when I'm stressed. Is this weird and abnormal? I don't know, but its my reality, folks.) I didn't. I restrained myself. I claimed to coworkers that I just don't like Halloween and that's all, I'm fine.
But, alas, the anxiety didn't shirk away, content with my snub. It laid claim until I fessed up- I need to claim it to be able to reign it in. So, here is my list, incomplete I'm sure, of things I'm anxious about:
1. It's an hour commute. This is the first thing every person who has "congratulated" me has brought up, and nearly every person has made it sound as if by the end of the first week I will be eating my own hands because the commute is going to be that downright tortuous. BUT: I knew it was going to be an hour commute when I took the job I saw the job posting and applied. Also, I've already purchased some audio books and I'm excited to have more time to talk with my mom on the phone. So there. Take that.
2. I'm starting over. Blast, this is hard. These days it is easy for me to forget how different my job was when I didn't know the communities in which I work, and when I didn't have the core of families who believe in this programming (and believe in me). There's no "so there" for this one...I just need to accept and embrace that a new opportunity means all the new, hard, building relationships stuff too. Dang. I am terrified. What if I don't find relationships like the ones I found here? What if families don't rally and support as they have in the past 4 years? I can't answer these questions yet- I just need to be present and faithful. Man, that's hard.
3. Well, actually, I think that's it. Its those 2 big things...and only one of them is something I'm really anxious about. Its that starting over thing- that leaving-people-I-love thing. That does deserve two numbers on my list, so I'm keeping this #3. I'm so sad to leave these relationships, and I am terrified about venturing out fresh again. What if it was all a fluke? ("Shut up Gollum in my head. Shut up!")
That's where I'm at (and why it's been quiet around here this week). My Gollum isn't pretty and insightful and put-together; just vulnerable and a little crazy. But Monday, whether I'm ready and composed or not, is the first day of my new job. I think I need to go shopping with my mom this weekend.
Its been a tough week. My gosh, it has been a tough week. I've been all over the place emotionally- excited about leaving my job, sad, anxious about the change, outright possessive of what I've created, terrified of the new position ("I'M GOING TO SCREW IT UP. IT'S NOT AN OPPORTUNITY, IT IS A TERRIBLE IDEA. WHAT AM I THINKING?"), and back to calm and excited again. There's been crying, ugly crying, and there has been some crying on the side of my students' parents too. I can't think about that- then I get all possessive of my work again, and my brain starts screaming those "WHAT ARE WE DOING!?" things.
I could've written a daily sarcastic post depicting my anxiety this week, with images of the bags under my eyes and the sad state of my hair (I have terrible dandruff when I'm stressed. Is this weird and abnormal? I don't know, but its my reality, folks.) I didn't. I restrained myself. I claimed to coworkers that I just don't like Halloween and that's all, I'm fine.
But, alas, the anxiety didn't shirk away, content with my snub. It laid claim until I fessed up- I need to claim it to be able to reign it in. So, here is my list, incomplete I'm sure, of things I'm anxious about:
2. I'm starting over. Blast, this is hard. These days it is easy for me to forget how different my job was when I didn't know the communities in which I work, and when I didn't have the core of families who believe in this programming (and believe in me). There's no "so there" for this one...I just need to accept and embrace that a new opportunity means all the new, hard, building relationships stuff too. Dang. I am terrified. What if I don't find relationships like the ones I found here? What if families don't rally and support as they have in the past 4 years? I can't answer these questions yet- I just need to be present and faithful. Man, that's hard.
3. Well, actually, I think that's it. Its those 2 big things...and only one of them is something I'm really anxious about. Its that starting over thing- that leaving-people-I-love thing. That does deserve two numbers on my list, so I'm keeping this #3. I'm so sad to leave these relationships, and I am terrified about venturing out fresh again. What if it was all a fluke? ("Shut up Gollum in my head. Shut up!")
That's where I'm at (and why it's been quiet around here this week). My Gollum isn't pretty and insightful and put-together; just vulnerable and a little crazy. But Monday, whether I'm ready and composed or not, is the first day of my new job. I think I need to go shopping with my mom this weekend.
You will be perfect. Although I am sad. Because I will miss you if I ever get to play for a show again. Also, the commute is fine. I do it on the daily and have gotten to the point where I LOOK FORWARD to the drive so I get to listen to more of my stories on tape.
ReplyDeleteYou inspire me every time I think of you and I have been thinking about you a lot lately...but especially today. You will be fabulous as always!
ReplyDelete