On particularly difficult days, I tend to focus on simple things. Things like how dry my hands are and how I really like this scarf. I shamelessly pick cookie dough pieces out of the ice-cream and spend too much time editing photos. I focus on things that don't really matter. Not to say I'm anti-fashion or downing the importance of ice-cream. Believe you me, I am a staunch proponent of wearing quality things and eating tasty things too. But, it hurts to think about what matters. Its achey and tiring to acknowledge loss. Its infuriating to wrestle with injustice. Life can be weary-making.
I had a weary-making weekend. We got painful family news, on both sides of our little family, and I found myself tearing up during the football game. I have no interest in football. For me, watching a game is like watching blurs on a screen for a couple hours- I just don't follow it, especially with weariness behind my eyes. Yet, it may have seemed that I was particularly moved by the Patriots victory last night. Tears in my eyes, wine glass in hand, I sat on my husband's lap as cheers erupted around me.
And it was good. It was simple and safe and easy. Sometimes it is better to let things settle in before you acknowledge them fully. More often, it just takes time for the acknowledgment to really happen. My gosh, I feel as if we're just really coming around to Jake's MS diagnosis and that happened two years ago.
I know exactly what you mean - I've got the same coping mechanisms I think. I'm sorry to hear that you got difficult news, I'll be thinking of you and hoping that everything will turn out ok. In the meantime, it's ok if you have to focus on the most inconsequential of things for awhile. And enjoy that ice cream.
ReplyDeletewow that's so hard. medical struggles are AWFUL! Especially with things that just don't go away. And I hope everything is okay with your family. I can see what you mean about letting bad news settle before acknowledging them. My husbands grandma died last week immediately I started crying when I got the news that she wasn't going to make it through the night. But I had a work day to get through so I denied it. Until we visited her in the hospice and watched her take her last breath and we all bawled. It's odd how human emotions work. One minutes youre fine, next you can be on the floor screaming. Again, i really hope everything is okay with you.
ReplyDeletep.s. you're a fantastic writer