thoughts while knitting

I envy women with a tribe- a distinct group of likeminded people, moving through life together. Though blessed with beautiful friendships, I cannot say I've ever had that. In adolescence I was bullied a bit by fellow females, so I opted to befriend fellas. In college, I was busy. (What a shame.) So, I didn't graduate with [m]any friendships that have stood the test of time. In adulthood I've depended on my work to define my community and, thankfully, have been given just that- community and, again, some beautiful friendships. But not a tribe. Jobs end, you see?

And then, what seemed could never happen did- the opportunity to leave the full-time workforce for the pursuit of motherhood. In a few short months I am going to clean out my desk and join the ranks of "stay at home mom." I'll be maintaining freelance endeavors on the periphery, but let's be honest: I am about to primarily interact with a toddler and a newborn all day, every day. It is my dream (of the last two years) come true. And now I'm terrified. Two of my most consistent friends just moved across the country and suddenly I fear the loneliness of motherhood.

Because, this can be a lonely job, can't it? All this giving of ourselves- body, time, independence, what clothes are even functional to wear anymore?- is exactly where I want to be and yet I am feeling more than ever the need for the thing I've never found- a tribe.

Now, let's get this clear: I know I can pick up the phone at this very moment and call my mom or my sister and chances are one or both would pick up, leave wherever they are, and come should I need them. AND I do have some dear, dear friends. But, frankly, I've tried to schedule playdates for Alice multiple times with multiple moms in the last six months and have had them canceled every time. I wouldn't trade my mom and sister for a whole slew of tribes, but why is it so difficult to have mom-friends? Moms who are mom-ing kids the same age as you are? I try to befriend mamas at the toddler class at the library and leave feeling like the over-smiley weirdo others avoid.

Maybe it'll come? Maybe it has just been the tight balance of work and motherhood that have made carving out the time for friendships impossible? Perhaps a year from now I'll look back and nod, knowing that yes I was right to acknowledge this need, but no I was wrong to fear it wouldn't be met. Here's hoping.

I finished the fingerless mittens! My first attempt at following a pattern went relatively smoothly- three and a half mittens later, I'm left with two that are just right. I'm tempted to try the thumb mittens for Alice, but chances are I'll restrain myself.