I had a moment before I showered this morning. I looked at my naked, pregnant body in the mirror and I said aloud, "that's not bad; I look fine. Good even."
My body and I have a healthy relationship, insofar as we accept and mostly ignore each other. I try not to think about weight. We don't own a scale, so other than the yearly physical, I can honestly say I don't know what I weigh and how my weight may be varying on a daily basis. I don't like thinking about my body and I avoid over-thinking what I'm eating. No counting points or calories or grams of anything. We eat when we're hungry. We eat what sounds good.
Yet, I feared pregnancy. Because, if I'm honest, I fear weight gain. I ignore my body and steer clear of thinking about these things in order to not obsess, to maintain a healthy relationship with food. It is not that I don't care about it all, but that I fear caring too much. I stubbornly commit to not caring so that I will not care too much.
I've had a difficult time gaining weight while pregnant. If I'm, once again, as honest as I can be, I know I've been pleased at how slowly I've gained. I lost 7lbs in the first trimester. Then I slowly gained it back, but leveled off. At my last check-up the midwife gave me a bit of a talking to. I said I'd been snacking almost constantly on almonds, trying to maintain my weight. Without pause or humor she said, "well, you need to eat more almonds. You need to eat more."
The weighing in every 4 weeks has been hard for me to navigate mentally though. I'm both scared of gaining weight and terrified of not gaining and harming our baby. I want to gain enough but not too much. I don't want to obsess. I want to play by the safe rules I've established that keep me and food on good terms- eat when I'm hungry, eat what sounds good, ignore food and body otherwise. But, I have made an asserted, fearful leap into thinking more consciously about what I'm eating- keeping track and counting protein and making sure I have snacks on hand to nibble on at all times. I'm cooking regularly and refusing to work through meals. I'm eating more.
So that moment this morning- it was important. I looked at my body. It is a new shape, growing and stretching a little more each day, and I acknowledged that it is good. Not only is it good, but it looks good. I look good.
And, praises be, as of my check-up this morning I have gained 5lbs.
And I look good.
And I'll look good with another five notches on the scale too.
My body and I have a healthy relationship, insofar as we accept and mostly ignore each other. I try not to think about weight. We don't own a scale, so other than the yearly physical, I can honestly say I don't know what I weigh and how my weight may be varying on a daily basis. I don't like thinking about my body and I avoid over-thinking what I'm eating. No counting points or calories or grams of anything. We eat when we're hungry. We eat what sounds good.
Yet, I feared pregnancy. Because, if I'm honest, I fear weight gain. I ignore my body and steer clear of thinking about these things in order to not obsess, to maintain a healthy relationship with food. It is not that I don't care about it all, but that I fear caring too much. I stubbornly commit to not caring so that I will not care too much.
I've had a difficult time gaining weight while pregnant. If I'm, once again, as honest as I can be, I know I've been pleased at how slowly I've gained. I lost 7lbs in the first trimester. Then I slowly gained it back, but leveled off. At my last check-up the midwife gave me a bit of a talking to. I said I'd been snacking almost constantly on almonds, trying to maintain my weight. Without pause or humor she said, "well, you need to eat more almonds. You need to eat more."
The weighing in every 4 weeks has been hard for me to navigate mentally though. I'm both scared of gaining weight and terrified of not gaining and harming our baby. I want to gain enough but not too much. I don't want to obsess. I want to play by the safe rules I've established that keep me and food on good terms- eat when I'm hungry, eat what sounds good, ignore food and body otherwise. But, I have made an asserted, fearful leap into thinking more consciously about what I'm eating- keeping track and counting protein and making sure I have snacks on hand to nibble on at all times. I'm cooking regularly and refusing to work through meals. I'm eating more.
So that moment this morning- it was important. I looked at my body. It is a new shape, growing and stretching a little more each day, and I acknowledged that it is good. Not only is it good, but it looks good. I look good.
And, praises be, as of my check-up this morning I have gained 5lbs.
And I look good.
And I'll look good with another five notches on the scale too.
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