the absurdity of it all

In the months before our wedding, Jake and I knew we wanted to go through with the whole ordeal, but we were also feeling something unforeseen: mourning. We were letting go of something good for something better. Jake mourned the loss of bachelor living. I mourned the loss of living alone and the independence of my own little space. But we both knew we were letting go for something better. The vulnerability and teamwork of the commitment we were making would mean a richer life, a life shared.

Again, I feel myself in this place of upending and mourning. As the baby kicks I am filled with awe, but in between kicks I am filled with anxiety. Jake and I are bonded together in a new, terrifying way. We are taking on a responsibility for which there is no real training. We are committing to do our best and love our most honestly, accepting that we will fail often at this endeavor. I am letting go of my body as I know it. Jake and I are opening to a third party the small sacred world of affection we occupy together. We are letting go of sleep and the ability to put off laundry for months at a time. We have made a baby. We will share our lives with this little being and in turn be made richer once again. We are letting go of something good for something altogether better.

How absurd.

And with those thoughts, I enter another year. A very big year indeed. Happy New Year.

MS Paint drawing of yours truly by my dear friend Sarah