oh baby

I've started feeling the baby. I don't know what this talk of it feeling like "butterfly wings" is though. Maybe some babies flutter like petite, lovely insects. Our little one bubbles. It was so consistently active this evening that Jake put his hand to my belly and was able to feel it for the first time. A little tap, "like it's knocking," he said.

This entire experience is absurd. Pregnancy thus far has been a thick combination of anxiety and awe slathered atop normalcy. I don't feel different. I don't suddenly think of myself as a mom. I'm gliding through this second trimester because, aside from my abilities to nap at whim and enjoy pickles for dinner, I do not feel pregnant. I am starting to look pregnant, but I feel altogether like myself. And its terrifying.

I think some part of me assumed a transformation would take place to turn me into a mom. Yet, I'm still self conscious, career driven, and occasionally impatient. I know my own mother has flaws- her ability to honestly and humbly open them up to others is something I deeply admire- yet, I still somehow see being a mom as a place of near-perfection. I mean- my mom? She's the BEST. The.Best. Absolutely. I cannot believe I am joining the rank of "mom." Who am I to be a mom?

So, there's anxiety: is the baby ok? are we ready for this? who am I kidding, am I ready for this? what if something goes wrong? what about the work we have to get done on the house? how will the dogs adjust? is the baby ok? how about now? is the baby still ok?

But, then there's awe too: there's a baby in there! Jake is going to be such a wonderful daddy! new life! new potential! wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles! I FELT IT MOVE!

All that slathered thick on top of, you know, real life: commuting, staff meetings, take out for dinner, the dogs ate a pillow, there's cat hair all over my pillow, why do our animals have a pillow fetish?, etc.

Keep kicking baby- that's the one thing that stops me in my tracks and empties my mind clear out.