self-therapy, or what you will

I know I'm bound to have these moments. Moments when my mind is screaming "what am I doing!?" because I'm tired, its late and dark, and there's so much to be done. This is not an easy package- hard work [grad school], on top of WORK [full-time job], less time with Jake, walking through dark streets towards a lonely train ride home. And suddenly I wonder, do I really need this? Why did I want this again? Why aren't I satisfied where I am?

I'm in this for a purpose. Its is so important to know why we do things, so that when we inevitably question, we can ultimately reflect back on how we got here in the first place. I want to get better, to be challenged, to be mentored. I know, underneath all my overwhelmed questioning, that I put myself in this position. There's that line about being careful what you ask for because you might just get it. I didn't just ask for this, I applied for it, prayed for it, and walked excitedly through the open doors. 

My class on Monday night was long (we're talking 6-10pm long) and the syllabus overwhelming. Its jammed packed with lots of things I want to do, and just don't know how I can. Required meetings with my professor before class? But, I'm already skipping out on rehearsals early to make it to class on time, and I'm the DIRECTOR of the rehearsals! Required trips to see shows? I'd LOVE to, but not if its during work obligations or my one free night with the hubby. All our assignments are with a partner? Really? I live a 40 minute train ride north of the city, and work full-time. My poor partners. I fear being the delinquent, unwanted partner of the class.

On the dark walk from the train station to my apartment on Monday night, I told myself to "suck it up." "Suck it up Kimi! People do hard things! People have worked harder than this, and you can DO this!" Then I started crying. Yup, I totally made myself cry. Wait, wait- I'm in this for a purpose. This all fell into place. This is where I'm suppose to be [deep breath]. 

I think I'll be doing a lot of self-therapy while in grad school. I think this is otherwise known as talking to yourself.