It is a conundrum. Complete honesty in some moments is different than in others. My opinion shifts, priorities skew. I'll go days convinced of one thing and then have a sudden gut wrench in another direction. Argh. My eye twitches like a pirate.
On an intensely visceral plane I ache to be home with Alice. I feel this desire deep in my belly (in my uterus?) and it leads to hours of nausea. Literally, I feel nauseous about this much of the time. I took a pregnancy test to make sure it wasn't morning sickness. Nope. This is not another baby talking; this is my love for the baby we've got.
At times I have thought this desire to be home was a cop-out- an easy excuse for my vocational confusion. I've already made an about shift in my career path, so why not just let go of any sort of conventional career altogether? The hardest things to let go of were uprooted last Fall. Now, I want to let go of it all.
Not to mention: cubicle life is dull. I've come to loath the lame, blue, fabric lined walls that hem me in for the majority of my waking hours. The computer screen I spend my time staring at is the worst replacement for Alice's gorgeous, kissable face. Sure, I frequently look at said face on said computer screen. It dulls the nausea, but only slightly. Oh, c'mon. More often, it flairs the nausea up to a decided throat-lump.
But then, I also know these things about my sluggish day job: My boss is kind. The consistency is safe. The paycheck and benefits are necessary.
I know, I know. Logically, I know. And I know we are all doing our best and that Alice knows my irrational, undying, obsessive love for her. Alas and alack, that does not assuage the nausea. I still miss her and am weary from mulling over and over and over what a solution might be.
And how are you doing?
On an intensely visceral plane I ache to be home with Alice. I feel this desire deep in my belly (in my uterus?) and it leads to hours of nausea. Literally, I feel nauseous about this much of the time. I took a pregnancy test to make sure it wasn't morning sickness. Nope. This is not another baby talking; this is my love for the baby we've got.
At times I have thought this desire to be home was a cop-out- an easy excuse for my vocational confusion. I've already made an about shift in my career path, so why not just let go of any sort of conventional career altogether? The hardest things to let go of were uprooted last Fall. Now, I want to let go of it all.
Not to mention: cubicle life is dull. I've come to loath the lame, blue, fabric lined walls that hem me in for the majority of my waking hours. The computer screen I spend my time staring at is the worst replacement for Alice's gorgeous, kissable face. Sure, I frequently look at said face on said computer screen. It dulls the nausea, but only slightly. Oh, c'mon. More often, it flairs the nausea up to a decided throat-lump.
But then, I also know these things about my sluggish day job: My boss is kind. The consistency is safe. The paycheck and benefits are necessary.
I know, I know. Logically, I know. And I know we are all doing our best and that Alice knows my irrational, undying, obsessive love for her. Alas and alack, that does not assuage the nausea. I still miss her and am weary from mulling over and over and over what a solution might be.
And how are you doing?
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