hurt feelings



this is me. taking things personally.

I take things personally. As an actor, auditions never get easier. I too often take casting decisions personally. As a director its even worse. When my students turn down roles, I'm outright upset. I not only take it personally, I lose sleep, question myself, question why the family doesn't *trust* me.  My gosh. I can not wait for this whole process to be done. This makes rehearsals look like a glorious relief.

I firmly believe "you do what you do because you love it..." I do not understand the idea of doing something for any other reason than this-is-what-I-am-called-to-do. I'm not assuming every 12 year old has a firm grasp on their calling, but goodness knows they do know what they love. 

At 12, I knew I did not like any sort of competitive play. It made me nervous and uncomfortable. I received no enjoyment from bowling or even intense card games (SPIT totally stressed me out). At 12, I knew I loved performing. Singing, dancing, acting. Give me more of it all please. It wasn't a matter of being good. It was a choice completely based on enjoyment. And oh trust me, there were definitely unfortunate, not-good, moments. I am far more an actor then a singer, but was blissfuly unaware of my lacking vocal quality for far too long. All this has nothing to do with being *good" or not. It has everything to do with joy.

Frederick Buechner wrote: “The place where God calls us is the place where our deep joy and the world's deep hunger meet." I have a deep, irrational joy for what I do. And, thank GOD, I also see places where the world has a deep and desperate hunger for things like LAUGHTER, COMMUNITY and JUSTICE (all things I love promoting through theatre). I do not understand *counting lines,* or only accepting the *biggest* role. Especially at 10 or 12 years old.

Please-please-please, don't do things that you don't love. I know, there are somethings we all "have" to do. I don't enjoy going to the dentist, that's for darn sure, but I suck it up and go. I’m talking about the voluntary things. The extra-curriculars. I want to be purposeful about these non-essentials. Why am I doing this? What's my goal here? Is it because I love it? I know I just need to do it? Or is there something else that skewing my priorities and sucking up my time?